Anyway, my holiday season was great, despite a few deep-thinking moments that nearly flung me into a downward spiraling anxiety attack. I got a new computer monitor from an oh so very generous relative of mine and I am adoring it! Not much emotionally to report at this point, although I sorely wish I could have worked with Andy Warhol.. I was kept up very late, oh who am I kidding- I stayed up all night watching a documentary/movie based on information relative to the subject/docudrama about Andy Warhol and his many influenced participants to his work. That kind of determination and passion is what I wish that I had, but unfortunately it takes an amount of personal devotion and patients that I do not posses.. Therefore, I am not deserving of any level of creativity, With my current mindset I shouldn’t allow myself to eat! Who can accomplish anything of worth to anyone when they can’t love themselves? Yes, this is me being a hypocrite again. I can see my faults and yet can’t stick a proverbial screwdriver into myself and fix them. Boohoo. On the upside, I got an art history refreshment and sight of a beautiful sunrise. That’s more than I can say towards many misguided heartfelt self-pity trips.

He tells me we are walking out the door at noon.
I wake up early, get ready, and am standing by the door at noon. He’s just waking up. I say, “what’s wrong? Are you ready yet?”

- “No. Why are you in a rush?”
- “You said we were leaving at noon.”
- “I said -around- noon. I’m pretty sure the words ‘two o’clock’ were in there somewhere, too.”
- “No, I didn’t hear that at all.”
- “Maybe you can’t hear.”
- “Ugh.”

So I wait around for this jerk, pacing, yeah okay I’m not exactly laid back when it comes to appointments that aren’t necessarily life or death to keep them straight – but I HATE when someone tells me to be somewhere, and they just don’t mean it. I am an on-time person, when I am told to be on time I am on time – when that time is early, it makes me really really irritated at that person. This is my doom, I am always on time and stuck with someone who drags his feet and therefore doomed to (whenever being chauffeured by this person) be three hours late for EVERYTHING because he has absolutely no sense of time beyond his own personal interest. Who are these people? Are you one of them? Someone, explain to me how you think!! How you can really lead people on like that, drag them around expect them to wait down on their knees at your word while you’re laying on the couch saying “five/ten/thirty more minutes and I’ll be ready” And your friend is pacing, for hours, hoping any second you will hop up and FINALLY BE READY! TELL me now, what on earth is your problem! Ugh..

Right, so. I’m at home with my parents, with no job, and no resume. I need something part-time; but no one in my area is hiring, or so they say. This is the most pathetic place I’ve ever found myself. I can cook, I can clean, I can read and write(somewhat), I can organize and file and maintain an office.. Yet no one can possibly hire me, not even at the local fast food place. Maybe it’s my personality, or maybe nothing is wrong with me at all and I just can’t seem to be persistent enough to push my need for employment hard enough onto my potential supervisors.. I have to apologize for this being such a mundane, every-day, where-have-I-heard-this-story-before post. I’m frustrated with myself right now, trying to overcome a terrible habit of procrastination and strong-willed rebellion and selfishness. Let’s play video games. how about The Sims3? That will make me even more angry with their lack of a creative outlet for architecture.

We control them, they don’t control us, they do what they do based on what we do and anyone can control them right back.
They tell us what to do and we beg for answers, they say what not to do and we start riots. We can change this
we can get results but it will take more than one person speaking their mind to do it. It will take more than just me proving what i believe to be right and just and doable and BETTER than what we’ve all been told will be done no matter what – it will take more than just you, the same, these companies who have started these alliances against our so-called structured government, which we may as well call Illuminati (All the bad stuff you will never see it on the television, you can only assume, but the worst you assume due to the time we are in now is never going to be as bad as it really is) we are their only moral compasses and they are successfully crushing us. It we succumb to peer-pressure suggesting that it’s “totally gay and stupid” to be all “like woah man, like the government is like so lame dude, they need to like chill” The less progress we will make and the more they will ignore us. PETA is one great company; but even they are ignored. If they were not ignored, American standards for slaughter houses would have doubled, no; tripled. Yet this cruelty and mass-medication is going on even more furiously than it ever was in the majority of meat distributing companies.

The machine is the goverment.
The metal is that damaging, inhumanly cynical world view that tells you that whatever you see is okay. Cruelty is alright, blood and guts are fine, let’s kill animals and sacrifice babies to the devil. It’s hardness; it’s coldness, it’s inhumanity, it’s apathy.
The logic, is our reasoning that tells us we should do something-anything, even screaming our objections in the middle of a street would do SOMETHING! we see it in front of us but we ignore it; why? We’re afraid. We’re all afraid of making fools of ourselfs; because if you feel it would not be making any progress or doing anything worthwhile it would become an embarrassing memory.. Someone might even label you. Oh, noes! Someone thinks you’re a moron/crazy/doper/gay/ignorant/anarchist!! But don’t you know better?? Don’t you know yourself well enough to ignore these statements instead of letting them and that fear control you?? Can’t you stand up and say that you hate what’s going on and what isn’t going on; what you know is going on that you can’t see! What is the worst that could happen, really, truly? NOTHING. THAT IS THE WORST that could happen, nothing happens. That’s your big giant unbearble consequence. You make no progress, waste some time, maybe embarrass yourself… So, like, are you awake in there? Knock knock, change the world or make a major fail. It’s up to you.

Here are lyrics to a song that inspired this rant – Remnants, by Grendel :

” We’re meant to die.. that’s what makes anything about us matter.. We’re meant to die.
Is this torture?

This condition, the violatile instincts
this curse, a burden we bare
for all the moments we love
and all the battles we wage
the atavistic traits, our frail condemned psyche

convicts of virtue and convicts of vice
convicts of death and the convicts of life
convicts of darkness and convicts of light
convicts of peace and the convicts of strife

Above the logic we see
above the metal we are
the remnants; ghosts in the machine

Above the logic we are
above the metal we’ll be
The remnants; ghosts in the machine

This attrition, this verdict we’re given
this curse, the affliction we need
for all the moments we love
and all the battles we wage
the atavistic traits, our frail comdemned psyche

Her name is death. The meaning is death. The truth is death. And you, are the dead.

Above the logic we see
above the metal we are
the remnants; ghosts in the machine

Above the logic we are
above the metal we’ll be
The remnants; ghosts in the machine. ”

This is a strange place to find this type of inspiration, but I read such interesting meaning into that chorus about Metal and Logic.. *nods*

Listen to “New Flesh” by this band, to hear what will happen if we DON’T rise up and claim our true identities as citizens WITH VALID STANDINGS ON THIS EARTH

A Snippet from the song:

” Low life, high tech, the vectors in control; long live the new flesh … From my deduction of nature that can be calculated inevitablely leads to the conclusion that humans, too, can be reduced to baisc mechanical parts … despite the weight of the soul. … From an unyeilding corpse can come the new destiny of mankind ”

Define the cold and dead from that, why don’t you?

xox

I ran into some unfamiliar discipline today.. I’m proud of myself for it. It’s something along the lines of wake up early every morning even if you have no work to do. Eventually my body will thank me for it – sleeping the 10-2 hours, those special ones that heal you and give you better sleep – Next challenge, no more sugar! That will obviously have to wait until after tomorrow. Ooh, speaking of ‘after’ tomorrow, the day after Thanksgiving (the Black Friday) I’m going to see if I can’t buy myself a new thingamajig or two. Assuming I have the discipline to wake up at 3am.

Oh, P.s

I made a new acquaintance yesterday. We have everything in common, including our music tastes which is rare for me because I have such a wide-open spectrum when it comes to what I listen to. I’m sure we will be friends in no time, and that makes my heart sing! I love new friends